Lughnassadh has come once more and this is the first year in eighteen or more that I have not been drawn deeply into the seasonal mystery of The Taking Up of the Scythe. This year I have been somewhat unsettled and rather distracted from my usual patterns. Yes, many significant changes have been passing through my life this year and it seems that there are more to come. This time last year my mother was alive and relatively healthy for her 91 years. She went into decline in late October and passed fully into the realm of memory in mid-January. My father had passed twenty years ago. Now, in their line, there remain only my brother and I, and his two daughters.
Honestly, up to this point, I have deferred much of my grieving and now, as we spend more time cleaning up and clearing out her house, I realize that I am not so utterly under my own control in such matters. Perhaps the scythe to hone and take up is really right before me, and now, as I reluctantly wade into the challenge ahead, things may become more clear.
One thing is already becoming very clear. So much of what I am is a direct artifact of my mother's personality; her flaws and shortcomings, and more importantly, her talents and various personal gifts. I might have guessed as much previous to her passing but in no way could it then come so dramatically and powerfully forward to me as it has now that she is "gone". It's an odd state of affairs when you unwittingly gain the capacity to vividly see yourself as an assemblage of reflexive impressions made in the soft "clay" of Self, shaped by a number of other people over the years. I am perceiving this now through the lens of my currently heightened sensitivity to the presence of her, within me, and I find myself struggling with constant, almost painful, upwellings of love and the deepest sense of gratitude to both of them.
Both my parents had relatively simple lives in spite of each having an astonishing set of personal gifts. As talented as they were, their talents had not made them rich or famous. Yet, from mine or any outsider's perspective there was one extraordinary thing which made up the primary harvest they reaped... it was that they were so incredibly loved and respected by everyone that knew them.
--------(( PS: Diana (Veruca) sent this in response:
"Just as the influence your parents had on you; the evolution of your Self, so have YOU touched the lives of many others. Despite the changes that have touched us in the past year, there are more ahead as we prepare to lose another great influence in the near future. 'Tis an interesting harvest indeed this year; may we continue to be blessed with the insights that come with change.
I am, of course, referring to Isaac - who is "close" now...
( As it was, Isaac had passed at 8AM EDT that very morning. - E. )